As parents we tend to say things to our children to get them to stop doing one thing (usually a problem behavior) in order to get them to start another (e.g., a more positive one).
For example, “If you stop crying, you can have that cookie.” Or, “If you don’t clean your room, you won’t get an allowance.” For many parents, sayings such as these become a regular part of the parenting toolbox.
What’s the problem with this you ask? Well, you may not realize it, but language such as this can be considered bribes. Bribing our kids can lead to unfavourable negotiations, and potentially an argument with even more problematic behaviors. Before you can change a child’s behavior, you must first understand bribery.
What is bribery?
Bribery occurs when we give a child what they want in exchange for a behavior later. It also includes using statements to get a child to stop misbehaving or acting out by making a promise and stating a condition. You tell them that if they stop doing the undesirable behavior, then a more desirable consequence will follow. It is more along the lines of an “If/then” statement paired with misbehavior and used in the hopes to prevent any further challenging behavior. For example, when a child is throwing a tantrum you say, “You can watch TV after you do your work”. Or “If you do all your work, then you can have the iPad”. Too often we use these types of statements too close to the situation that may lead to undesirable behaviors. Basically, you are using this approach to avoid or stop the likelihood of problematic behaviors.
Problems with using bribery
The problem with using bribery is that the novelty of the preferred outcome may discontinue and eventually bribing doesn’t work. It can also teach children to negotiate for what they want and expect rewards for everyday compliant behaviors, even when they don’t have a choice. Negotiating can create a power struggle and delay the child from having to complete the task. Thus, kids quickly learn to misbehave to force you to give them a reward.
What is the alternative?
In order to change behavior, we need to motivate our kids and use reinforcement. Using praise or providing a desirable object immediately AFTER a child engages in a desirable behavior is considered positive reinforcement. Reinforcement is more than just praising your child. It can take many forms; it can be verbal recognition or specific feedback, access to a reward or preferred activity, and can be more socially based such as smiles, tickles, and hugs. The key is to find out what is motivating and use that as part of your parenting toolbox. Remember to focus on a child’s actions instead of giving ambiguous statements. For example, avoid saying “Good job!” Instead you can say, “I’m so happy that you helped me”. You can also encourage a child to repeat a behavior by pointing out the result of their actions and how they felt about it.
How do you get kids to do the things you want them to do in the first place?
The power of reinforcement helps kids continue to do engage in desirable behavior, but how do you get a child to do it the first time? Ideally you want to provide reminders before the occurrence of any undesirable behaviors. Holding a family meeting is great way to remind children of the rules and expectations, the purpose of them and of the consequences that occur if not followed. Create a poster that outlines the home rules and duties. Another tool is the app, Hire and Fire your Kids. This app allows parents to communicate expectations, builds motivation and provides positive reinforcement. Avoid negotiating with children. Be firm and clear when providing instructions and ensure the child complies, then deliver reinforcement.
Other helpful tips
- Catch children “being good” and reinforce them more frequently, even for the “little” things.
- Keep track of children’s accomplishments. Write them down and share with them.
- Say it and walk away- make an observation, point something out, make a request, tell your child you are going to give them time to think about it, and then walk away.
- Vary reinforcing items to ensure children stay motivated.
- Provide choices to allow for a sense of control.
Changing children’s behavior without using bribery is possible! Start early and be consistent. I promise you that your home will be more peaceful, and your children will be more respectful and responsible members of the family.
Meet the Author: Janet Arnold is the Mother to two boys. She is a Behaviour Consultant, Author/Blogger, and an accredited Triple P Practitioner (Standard Stepping Stones) who has a strong background in Applied Behavioural Analysis (ABA). She is also a High Five Trainer. Since 1996, Janet has worked with children, their families, and individuals in clinical and educational settings. www.findingsolutions.ca
